Thursday, January 8, 2009

My most sincere apologies, everyone

-Can you get spanked to death?
-The Amish are so behind.
-If snow wasn't cold it'd be so much fun.
-I killed a bunch of birds today
-She has big tomboy lips thatr'e like 'I play sports but I'm also a girl'.
-I wish nature was like a sandwich and you could choose what you wanted
-You're really hot for a cab driver
-Ice cream is God saying "Hang on, I'm comin back".
-My gut may be fat but it's accurate
-I hate when guys do the air guitar. It's very rarely cool.
-Maybe we should settle?
-Let's just quit our jobs and live off of our eggs

Sunday, August 10, 2008

4 months overdue

-My bandaid looks like the Chinese flag
-I was bored so I decided to love you a lot
-I kinda wanna grind right now
-We should start a plus sized dance team...(kelly and i stare in silence)...ok ok I'll be the captain!
-Hey let's write a rap song
-You guys, ridin' dirty means riding with drugs.
-Sorry, my mouth was bein kinda bossy
-Kids love the f word. Parents hate it.
-Guys who know they're balding should snag a girl now
-Hey! I graduated with honors almost!
-Kelly is totally our most punctual friend. She's all "Hi comma Im kelly period."
-I wanna be something -licious! (after she heard someone described as 'bootylicious")
-Laughings WAY better than vomiting
-I like cats and bags
-I guess if my hands were tied behind my back and it was dark i'd kiss him
-I wanna be in a carriage with a man
-So we're not cool... We're dorks that are pretty?

Thursday, April 10, 2008

It's Been Too Long

-(Playing Mad Libs) Lynds: OK I need a verb. Fulmer: cowboy boot
- I love watching stains disappear
-Wouldn't it suck to be married and in a girl band?
-I feel bad for people with big faces
-I wanna be a blind black man that plays the piano
-If I was a boy I'd be a man
-Food fights are very rarely fun for me
-I wanna meet the pervert who invented sleeping bags
-I'm so glad my name isn't Joanne
-I wanna be queen of a village

Friday, February 1, 2008

The Hits Keep Comin...

-I gotta look into the POW diet
-I hate that phrase "donut-holes". But I think "munchkins" is degrading to little people
-I have psycho abilities
-I need to keep a running total of interesting facts about myself
-I'm gonna be so impatient with my kids. Not mean impatient; loving impatient.

Friday, January 18, 2008

New Year, Same Old Fulms

-I hope I never meet a guy and he turns out to be death (while Watching meet Joe Black)
-Yeah I think David is my Bible crush. No wait. Sampson. YEAHHHHHH...Sampson.
-I would NOT fit in in jail (while watching Shawshank Redemption)
-Its so cute when men can be girly for fun
-I wanna crack open a coconut and have diet coke stream from it
-E-harmony. It helps you find your breast match
-I love winning! I'm so good at it!
-I feel like I have man eyes
-I don't like that word. It should only be used for cats
-He's hot for his gender
-Isn't discretion a form of secret?
-Hi, my name is Lauren. I like jalapenos, onions and winning.
-Sorry i have to put on my homeless hat....I'm cold.
-I'll tell you when you graduate (to Emma)
-Don't call me Lauren. Its too formal.
-Good Morning Bebo Norman
-No wonder we're single
-He's probably going to propose while hunting for peasants. He'll shoot them all down and spell out WILL YOU MARRY ME with peasants.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

More for the holiday season

-(while slicing onions) I just gave this onion the 'jennifer'
-I hope they don't think I'm calling them hos. Well, they are hos. (about her "ho ho ho" christmas cards)
-I shouldv'e known not to drink tapioca balls
-I love high waisted sweat pants
-Are eggs good for you?
-I'd have a really good cooking show; listen, "and THAT'S how you cook a 5 minute meal". good, right?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

They Never Stop

-(angrily) Well maybe i'd cook if i had a magic bullet!
-Its almost my birthday...I turn sexy at midnight!
-I read in Glamour that 77% of women like to be spanked
-I'm just gonna be a mac daddy
-When is my life gonna fall apart cuz its so good!
-Pull my finger, I'm Lauren (pickup line she created)
-Come on! Just give a dog a bone (intending to use the expression 'throw me a bone')
-Everybody loves Raymond...and me
-I want this napkin to be bedsheets....it's so soft!
-He's like my turtleneck; he chokes me
-I wish I was a minority
-Want a bite of my banana phone?
-All the good things happen to you--like that 4 dollar coupon you just got. NO FAIR!